I’m quite busy with my day job and with writing a whole pile of stuff (my first excruciating book, upcoming blog posts about nothing of any consequence), but I have said this once, twice, three times a lady: I will never kick you out of bed for sitting on my face.

I don’t care what you’re going through, Jack. Or what I’m going through, frankly. I just can’t afford a ticket to your upcoming show here in hopeless Vancouver no matter how many OnlyFans concepts I have–and I have plenty–and I know you’re the sexiest saviour of rock & roll to ever come along, so can you help a dame out?

[Edited to add: I am not on OnlyFans, people]

Is there something I can do to facilitate this, apart from getting hold of you this way? I don’t really have any resources. Nothing apart from this blog, which I just learned has now had well over ten thousand views. That’s something! I think I know who was responsible for eight thousand of those views, but it is significant. I mean, not to you, but let’s look at our respective paths in life: We’re exactly the same age and ever since we were both ambitious young things in our very early twenties, you went on to disturb everyone’s loins while I explained the future perfect progressive verb tense to international students. I suppose some loin-rocking went on while I did so–in fact, I know it did, and I can give you details some other time–but you’re in a league of your own. You make time screech to a halt. This track alone makes me want to break into a Southeast Asian zoo and just do what I have to do, because it is just so insanely great.

Jack White, just get me into your show, for Christ’s sakes. Oh, and I know you were a Catholic altar boy, so my summoning the supposed Lord by saying that won’t offend you. He knows I should attend your show, and He knows that the bra-and-panty set I hurl in your general direction will only land on the heads of some kids who have better seats than me, but He also understands that my heart is good, and my face will always have a space for your base. And you can stay there for as long as you wish.

Love,

Annie Wilkes.